


The Five Stages of Grief

by phanspork



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), youtube - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Depression, Eating Disorders, M/M, Moving, Phan - Freeform, Self Harm, idk anymore, lol, not rlly, not rlly tho, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-04
Updated: 2016-09-25
Packaged: 2018-04-29 20:59:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5142251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phanspork/pseuds/phanspork
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remember the good times, remember the bad times.</p><p>Or don't.</p><p>Just please, remember me.<br/> </p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Moving Out

"Dan, I want to talk to you."

The tone in his voice scared me, but I pushed the fear back down my throat and sat down. 

"What's up?"

"Dan I..."

"Wait Phil, what's wrong?"

He gulps. The fear starts to bubble back up into my mouth.

"Dan I want to move out."

 

Stage One; Denial

  

           Phil's moving soon. He told me a month ago and I'm still not ready. He's already packing up his things, getting ready to move. He told me that he "needs space". He hasn't needed space ever since i met him, but all of a sudden he "needs space". I don't understand. I tried to talk to him, to ask him why, or to plead him to stay, but he won't say anything to me. He's acting like everything is fine, but when i catch a glimpse of his eyes, I can tell that he's just as heart-broken as I am. But he handles it better.

          Phil's moving soon. I know I should be packing things up and dividing things into Mine and His, but we grew so close, I can't tell the difference anymore. I try with my room. I bend down and sit on the floor. But all I do is stare at the pile of dirty clothes beside my bed. I can't do this. I start to feel the tears brim my eyes, blurring my vision. I can't. Suddenly, I stand up and smash my fist into the wall next to my door. The tears begin to flow freely. Slowly, I move my hand from the wall, the white paint chipped away and stained red. My hand is pulsing, bleeding. But I can't feel it. I flinch as the door slams open. I feel eyes staring at me, then my hand and back. I hear the door close. He doesn't care. 

  
          
            I wake up and my knuckles are swollen. That's the only thing that makes sense right now. I know I should eat, but my stomach feels like its full of rocks. My mouth tastes of metal. I reach my hand up to my face and feel a thick layer of crust on my cheeks. I don't even want to know how much I cried last night. I get up out of my bed, and stare at the pile of dirty clothes again. I don't even have the energy to change. I should leave my room. But I don't, I just lay back down in my bed. I think I've given up.

 

          Today I leave my room. Against my own logic, I leave. It was a mistake. I fumble out of my door and am confronted by an almost barren flat. Boxes are everywhere, empty, full. Full of our memories, our history, our- Then I see him. His hair is a mess, his eyes are tired, his face, even paler than normak and flushed. He's standing in th kitchen, pouring a bowl of cereal. My cereal. I dont even care. He must have felt my eyes on him because he turns. Our eyes lock. I can see the pain and the suffering in his eyes and cheeks feel wet. I turn and run to my room.

"Dan I-"

I shut the door.

          I haven't left my room since yesterday. I can't believe that Phil's leaving me. He filmed the video announcing his move yesterday. I heard through the wall. I wonder if he can hear my sobbing at night. I wonder if he cares anyway. I wonder. I don't remember the last time i ate. It doesn't matter anyway. Phil's leaving. I still haven't sorted the belongings in my room. I should do that. Maybe tomorrow. But I've been saying that for a while now.

          I am finally sorting through my room. I sit down on the floor and start to go through the items. Mostly my clothes. A black eclipse shirt, moth button up, AOT sweater, but something catches my eye. It's black so at first, I think it's mine but as soon as i dig it up from the bottom of the pile I know it isn't. It's a black t shirt with white ghosts on it. A halloween t shirt. I can't anymore I can't deal with the fact that he's leaving. I throw the shirt down and run to open my door. I pound to the enterance of his room and bang my fists on the closed door. 

"Phil! Phil! Please open up! Phil!"

I hear sobbing from the inside. I turn, now suddenly feeling the wet on my cheeks and the quiver in my knees. 

"Please..." 

          Phil's moving today. I went through all the stuff in my room last night, put it in a box, and left it outside his door. Everything is so empty now.      The kitchen is empty, cleaned out of what was once his. I go to his room, he's sitting on the floor packing the last box. His room is empty, a barren bedframe in the middle of the room. My knees start to shake and I drop to the ground. A thud rings out as my knees hit the floor. Phil turns. He sees me, crying, broken, fists balled, eyes shut. He's going to leave me. 

"Dan, I'm sorry. I really am. But I need to be alone for a while. We've been so close for so long, I need some space to figure some stuff out. I really wish that I could say something to make things better but-"

My head snaps up. I stand.

"Something to make things better?! Phil we never fight, we are always together, we are so close and then all of a sudden you drop it on me that you're leaving me? Leaving this? I just-"

"Dan that's exactly what's wrong! We are always together! Sometimes I don't even know who I am anymore! Its always Dan and Phil this, Dan and Phil that, I want to know who Phil is! Dan, I need to know who I am!"

He picks up the box and pushes past me, slamming my body into the doorframe. I'm shocked. 

"Phil, I love you!" 

He stops dead in his tracks. I can see the pain in his back, his muscles tensing.

"I'm sorry, but I can't do this. I just can't."

He picks up the last box and leaves, slamming the door shut. I suddenly drop, laying on the floor, shaking. He left.


	2. He Stayed

"Phil, I love you!" 

I stop. I can hear the pain in his voice, the tears on his eyes.

"I'm sorry, but I can't do this. I just can't."

I regret it, but I leave anyway because I'm stupid.

I can't believe he stayed.

 

•••••

          I'm at the enterance to our- his building now. I feel the tears start to glass my eyes over. Pushing the door open, I blink and feel my cheeks begin to dampen. Turning back, I look at my old window. 

"Goodbye" I whisper.

I get into the car. 

            I'm staying in a hotel. I have no clue how long. I still need to find a flat, since I wasn't really prepared when I decided to move out. Its not the same. A small single bed is in the middle of a back wall. Opposite the bed, an extremely old tv sits on a dark wooden stand. Its boring. _Of course it is,_ I scold myself, _it's a freakin hotel. First of all, it doesn't have any of my things, I put them in a storage warehouse, and..._ something else is missing too, but I can't put my finger on it. 

          "Forget about it." I hear myself say. But it's bothering me. Whatever. I throw my suitcase onto the bed and begin to unpack. Most of my clothes are in here, so it takes a bit to find my pajamas. But something catches my eye before I have a chance to put them on. It catches my eye because is black unlike the rest of my wardrobe, which is full of bright colours. I pull it out confused by the object. My stomach drops. Its Dan's. The anger bubbles up from my stomach into my throat and I throw the shirt at the opposite wall. 

          I don't know why I'm angry at him, it's my fault, but I keep seeing the way his face contorts in pain every single time I close my eyes. Forgetting about my pajamas, I put my open suitcase on the floor and lay in bed. No covers, I have no energy for that. 

/p>

            When I wake up and open my eyes, I don't recognize my surroundings. I soon realize, that I am not home. No wait, the flat isn't home anymore. I have to remember that. Blinking and rubbing my eyes, I slowly sit up in bed. The room is even more boring in the day. I look around at the now lit room and it seems sad. The pale morning light illuminates the beige walls and beige carpet. Beige really is a hotel colour. I wonder what Dan would be doing right now. I want to think, who cares? But I cant. Just thinking about Dan consumes my thoughts and I realize that I won't be doing anything today. Damn.

          Day two without Dan, and I'm still doing crappy. Yesterday all I did was scroll through twitter. Which was a mistake because I ended up on Dan's twitter and scrolled through all his old tweets and our pictures together. Which made me want to cry and laugh at the same time. But more so cry. It also made me think about what he told me. He said that he loved me. What did he mean? Like as a friend or... more? I have no clue I mean, I like Dan, but do I... love him?

 

          Today I'm leaving the hotel. My flat is finally ready and I am as well. I need to leave this stupid beige hotel. I pack up the one box I brought with me to the hotel, and throw my clothes back in the suitcase halfhazardly and quickly grab my phone. 

"Goodbye hotel!" I say as I leave. Usually now would be the time Dan would say something sarcastic like _You spork, it's not like the hotel is going to reply_. And we would laugh. But not today. Not today.

          The car drops me off at the new flat. The driver says that the rest of the boxes are already inside. I don't reply. The drive here was good. The driver was nice enough, and I didn't attract any crazy people. But the drive here was sad. Soon, I make it to my door and I grab my key ring out of my pocket. I'm about to put the key in the door. I stop. My old key is still on there. 

"Forget about it." I open the door. 

Its not the same. I don't know why I ever thought it would be the same but it isnt. There are boxes everywhere, but besides that, it's empty. Blank white, walls at me as I walk through the flat. I'm not surprised, I checked it out first im just... confused. I thought that living by myself would be the same as living with Dan but it isn't. I set the box I am holding down and leave my suitcase at the door. My hands start to ball into fists as I enter the kitchen. There isn't a breakfast bar, we didn't use it anyway, but it still makes me sad that it's not there. I open the cupboards. No kanye mugs, no empty boxes of Dan's cereal (that I ate). Nothing. I relax my hands they start to shake. I go into the first bedroom and there isn't an old gigantic wicker bed frame. Dan used to say that it looked like a gigantic picnic basket. 

          My eyes start to fill with tears. I go the next bedroom. There isn't a piano in there like in the old flat. I guess this wouldn't be a bedroom now. The tears start to spill over and I drop to the ground. My hands start to shake more violently, and I start to sob.

I can't believe I left him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyy so I decided to make this a full length (hopefully ) fic ummm how was it?  
> Oh! I also wanted to mention that I did put this on wattpad if it's easier for you to read it there, umm my user is the same im pretty sure it's phanspork lol anyway thxxxx byeeee


	3. Reflection

         Phil left me three months ago. I still haven't recovered. I still think about the way the door slammed when he left, and the way he said those last few words to me. I can't. I told him I loved him. And he couldn't... couldn't what? What couldn't he do? He couldn't love me back? He couldn't stay? I guess I'll never know. But that's fine, I guess. I'll never see him again anyway. I haven't eaten very much since then, food just hasn't apealed to me. I wonder how he is. I hope he's okay.  
       
          Louise has tried to come over and help me, but it hasn't done me much good. Everytime she tried to feed me something it would come back up, except for the rare occasion that I could hold something down. She says I look thin. I can't tell. I don't look in the mirror very often anymore, but when I do, I don't recognize the reflection. I used to be a happy, content man. Now I see myself and I appear as a sallow, pale, almost ghostly figure. But, there's nothing I can do about it. The thought of doing anything makes me sick.

  
           
          I am currently sitting on my bed, in the same old, empty, flat that was once ours and now is just mine, looking at Phil's twitter on my laptop. I know I shouldn't be doing this, but I can't stop myself. His last tweet was from yesterday. New video! new flat tour ( finally ), with the link. I know I shouldn't click it, but I do anyway. The video starts.

       "Hey guys!" He starts. He continues with the intro, briefly mentioning things like weird people he met and a new shirt he bought, until he gets to the real reason he made the video.

"So you guys all that I recently moved out of the old flat, and to a new flat without Dan. I know that many of you are very upset about the change, but I think we both needed it." No we didnt.

" The only part of the new flat that you've seen is the background of my setup, which is basically the same except for no wicker bedframe, So I wanted to share with you guys the rest of it!" He goes on to show the flat, and explain the decoration choices he's made. He seems happy. I'm glad for that. The flat is fairly different. There's no breakfast bar, no gigantic one direction poster on the back of the bathroom door, no piano, and no me. 

 

          I start to cry. I shouldn't have done that. I slam the lid of my laptop shut. I shouldn't have done it. It just makes it worse. Seeing him happy, seeing him living whilst I'm just stuck in this state of limbo. What the fuck did I do wrong? Why did he leave me? The tears start to steadily flow down my cheeks like a river. The current pushing each tear after the next. These thoughts keep coming into my head continuously, pushing me back further and further. Each thought is like a  punch to the gut, knocking me further and further into an abyss. I lay down, trying to push the thoughts out of my head. Willing myself to go to sleep, I try and try but it's a lost cause. I'll just have to lay here until my body gives out. And at some point, it does.

         I wake up, disgusted at the crusty, dry film that the tears have created on my cheeks. My nose sniffles as I walk to the bathroom. I avoid the mirror, ducking down to wash my face. The cold water shocks my system and I  am completely awake instantly. Forgetting my aversion to my appearance I glance in the mirror. I don't recognize the person it reflects.

           It shows a pale, almost sickly person with a thin, thin face. His curly hair is a wild, crazy mess, untamed and unmanaged. His dark brown eyes devoid of emotion, broken, and depressed, more empty than anything really. His lips are pale and swollen, and his eyes are rubbed red. He looks worthless.

           
          Despite being tall, the man in the mirror barely fills out his shirt, it hangs on him, the neckline low enough to show prominent collar bones. He lifts up his shirt and a flat, pale stomach is revealed. A little higher, and the faint lines of ribs can be made out in contrast against the almost sickly shade of his skin. His lowly sagging joggers show hip bones protruding from just above the top of his underwear. The man he sees in the mirror looks crazy. He looks, miserable, depressed, and vacant. He looks like someone left the lights on in his brain, but never came home to shut them off. It isn't Dan. It isn't me.

          I wonder how Phil is. I wonder if he looks just as bad as I do. I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him. Does he have a hard time eating too? Has he cried himself to sleep thinking of me? Or does he look fine and healthy, his skin glowing and even. Happiness seeping out of him, no trouble eating or sleeping or living his life just as he did before he left me. Or is he like me. Cold, broken hearted and hollow. Missing someone you aren't even sure is missing you. I hope he isn't the latter. I hope he isn't like me. 

          I tried eating today, but leaving my room means seeing the emptiness that fills the rooms. See, most people think that emptiness is an absence of something, but I like to think of emptiness as being filling. When you are filled with emptiness you are being overcome by the absence of something. So it's filling. You can be full of nothing. It hurts, but it happens. And it has happened to me. And that's why I can't eat. My stomach is full of emptiness and my head full of nothingness. But I hope that isn't what happened to him.

           Today all I did was sit in Phil's empty room. I'm still here. I'm sitting at the end of the old wicker bedframe. He didn't take it with him. So here it sat in an empty bedroom in an empty flat owned by an empty man. Everything is empty, but full at the same time. Do you understand me? I don't even know anymore.

          I loved him. I loved him, and he left me. Does he love me back? I have no clue. All he said was I'm sorry. Well I'm sorry too. Sorry for bothering you and ruining your life by making us so attached. Excuse me, Phil, Excuse me.  
         

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was it? If possible please leave a comment on if you hate it or love it, lol
> 
> Thanks so muchhhh


	4. How I Fell Asleep On The Floor

I left Dan about three months ago. I don't regret that decision yet, but I don't think I'm going back for a bit. I mean, sure I miss him, but it's just as a friend. I think. I hope he's ok. He seemed so broken the last time I saw him. He hasn't posted anything to instagram in a while, and his twitter is slowly blowing up from fans asking where he is. No replies yet. I hope he's okay. I'm okay. I think. Everyone keeps asking me where he is and how he is, but I don't know. There's nothing I can say or do. I don't think he'll let me back into the flat if I'm honest. I think I'm just going to let him be for a while. Maybe a bit longer. I haven't seen him in person since I left. I can't believe it's been three months. Three months that have gone by crazy fast. I have still been making videos every week, this week it's going to be a collab with Peej. I'm pretty excited for it, not gonna lie. I haven't done a collab since my last video with Dan.I've really been trying to forget about what happened between us. Ever since that first night in my new flat, I don't want to feel like that again. I need to prove to myself that I don't need Dan to be a successful, good person. I need to find Phil.  
          

          I've had this horrid feeling in my stomach all day. Like a rock is sat in the bottom of it, or someone has twisted and turned my intestines whilst I slept. I'm fine though, it's really okay. And so is Dan. He'll be fine. I need to stop think about Dan, Peej is going to arrive soon, and he'll start to lecture me about Daniel and I just can't do that now. Maybe ever. I get up off of the couch I was lounging on and quickly jump in the shower. Not actually jump though. Why do people say that? Did people used to jump in the shower? I shrug. I don't know. I grab the soap off of the shelf and start to wash myself with it, humming as I go. Finished with that, I reach up to the top shelf, grab my shampoo, and start to wash my hair. I start to sing the song I'm humming.

_Wash me away_

_Clean your body of me_

_Erase all the memories_

_They will only bring us pain_

_And I've seen all I'll ever need_

          I stop singing. That's the end of the song. The lyrics remind me of something, but I can't put my finger on it. I step out of the shower and dry off, shaking the grey towel over my wet hair. The tune of Muse still lodged in my brain. I wrap a towel around my waist and walk out of the steamy bathroom, back to my room.

          After changing, I am sitting in my living room thoroughly enjoying some more Buffy, when I hear the bell ring. It must be PJ. Jumping up, I run to the door, excited. I throw the door open and hug him, a surprised and almost slightly terrified look on his face. He quickly reciprocates the hug though, squeezing tightly. I didn't think I missed him this much. 

"Hey Peej, what's up?" I ask as soon as we let go of eachother.

"I'm fine, but my life isn't as exciting as yours right now, how's life without Daniel?" My heart pangs at the mention of his name, I ignore it.

"It's fine, I guess. Pretty different than what it was before but..." I trail off not wanting to continue the thought. PJ persists. 

"How did Dan take it?" A look of concern in his eyes. 

"Well... he..." I start. I go on to tell him the whole story. From about four months ago where this all started, to Dan breaking down on the floor, to now. I told him everything. I watch his face as it turns from mild concern to intense horror displayed across his face. He seems speechless. I'm trying to read his body language but he just sits there.

"Wait though, he said he loved you?"

"Yeah."

"And you didn't say it back?"

"No."

"Wow. Do you know in which way he meant? Like, as a friend or..."

"I have no clue."

"But... do you love him?" This time I don't reply. I don't know. I have no clue. What did he mean? Did he love me as a friend or more? PJ seeming to sense the helplessness displayed across me face. 

"It's ok buddy. Let's just get on with the video." And we did. 

          We just finished filming the videos for both of our channels, and are now just lounging on the couch, watching old 90s Pokémon. But not really watching it, kinda doing that thing where you sit on the couch and sorta watch it, but you're on your phone or laptop the entire time. I glance away from my computer and look at the couch beside mine. I see Dan, in his browsing posirion, scrolling tumblr seeing memes and gifs. I hear him laughing and reaching over to show me this funny post about anime. I'm smiling. Sometimes I remember stuff like this. The little things. Like sitting with him, or making a "Halloween baking" video, or even eating his cereal whilst he's asleep. No regrets mate. PJ eventually snaps me out of my day dream.

"Hey. What are you thinking about?" I can see the worry in his eyes. I am suddenly extrememly aware of the wetness of my cheeks. I must've been crying and I didn't notice.

"Oh no it's ok. I'm fine." I smile. It's not exactly genuine though. And trust me he knows that, but he also knows not to press on. Forgetting what I was doing, I turn back to my laptop. Oh, editing. But I can still hear the Pokémon in the background. The last words I hear before I fall asleep are to easy to connect with fight now.

"Our experience is nothing but losing." I end up dreaming of Dan Howell, cereal and Digletts.

          I wake up at an extremely early hour in the morning, to the sound of PJ's loud breathing. He must have finally fallen asleep. I check the time on my phone and it reads 03:26. Super early then. Getting up, I avoid PJ's sleeping body and head to the kitchen to grab a midnight- or I guess 3am- snack. I tiptoe to the kitchen and open the cupboard, reaching up to grab the cereal from the top shelf. 

**"Hey what's going on?" The cereal I just reached topples to the floor spilling everywhere, me going with it. Sitting up, I sheepishly look up and see a smiling Dan.**

**"Were you going to eat my cereal?" I can hear the laugh in his voice.**

**"Umm... about that. I have an excuse um... I just haven't thought of it yet." I look away and direct my attention to the cereal spilled all across the floor, I start to pick it up, but feel hands on mine.**

**"Here let me help you with that." I look through my fringe and see the smirk in his brown eyes, sparkling.**

**"Okay." I smile.**

 

I open my eyes to say something else to Dan, but he was gone. It was just a memory. I lay my head back onto the floor surrounded by cereal, and feel a tear stream down my face. It's ok. I'm fine.

And that's how PJ found me sleeping on the kitchen floor surrounded by cereal with the top cupboard open and with me being an emotional wreck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEYYYYY GUYSSSSS WHAT DID YOU THINKKKKKK 
> 
> im trying here, I'm trying. lol anyway hope you enjoyed it <3  
> please leave a comment if you did I read every single one. K byeeeeeee


	5. A Meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGGGGG  
> self harm and body image issues so watch out I'm warning you
> 
> BY THE WAY IN NO WAY DO I CONDONE HARMING YOURSELF   
> and I have written the more triggering chapters from my own experience, so if it's inaccurate to you sowwy. 
> 
> TELL ME WHAT U THOUGHT AT THE END THOUGH

       I still haven't put up a video. Its been a while now. I don't know how long. Phil recently put up a collab with PJ. I haven't seen it yet. I wonder if I looked in his eyes, would I see the the same vacant look that I get when I see my own face in the mirror? I hope not. But at the same time, I kind of hope he is hurting as much as I am right now. Did he tell PJ everything that happened?  Did he tell PJ that I said I loved him? I wonder how much he was willing to share.

          Maybe I should watch it. Maybe I should see what he's doing now, if he's okay, if he's suffering. Maybe I shouldn't. I don't know. 

           The one thing I do know, is that I really miss him. I miss the way we used to watch anime in the mornings, I miss the light from his eyes, damn I even miss him stealing cereal. But there's nothing I can do about it now. I fucked everything up. I could've stopped him, I could've done something, but I didn't. He promised me that we'd still be friends, but I told him the truth, that I loved him, and that changed everything. We can never go back. I can never go back. 

          I head to the bathroom from my bedroom, and sit on the toilet, staring at the ground. I do that sometimes. I just blank out and stare. It happened once when Louise was around. I haven't let her back since. Its not that I don't want her here, I do, I just don't want her to see me like this. Like last time. 

        I don't want to go on without him, I can't it hurts to much I don't want to do this I-  
 "Hey Dan, I just got the tv set up, do you want to-" I don't hear her very well. She sounds clouded like, she's underwater. Or maybe I'm underwater. I don't know. I can feel the vibrations in the floor as she walks over. She's shaking me, trying to pull my arms from around my legs, but they're locked. She's saying things but I can't hear them. 

 

          I open my eyes and see a puddle of wet on the floor. I didn't even realise I was crying. I close my eyes again and focus. I start rubbing my thumb against my arm in circles. Focus Dan, focus. I pinch my arm to get myself out of this mindset. I can't think about phil right now. I get up and leave the bathroom. I need to get out of here. I throw on some clothes, and look in the mirror. My hair is extremely curly, but I am not in the mood to fix it right now. My clothes hang on me and my eyes look dead. I just need to get out of here. I grab my jacket and head out the door, locking it behind me. Louise says something, but I can't hear her, I need to leave.

 

************************

          "One coffee for Dan?" That's me. 

           "Ok thanks." I say smiling as I reach for my drink. Grabbing I turn around, and slam into someone, spilling coffee all over their jacket. 

              "Oh my god, I am so sorry!" Kneeling on the floor with napkins in my hands, trying to mop up the mess. I hear a chuckle coming from a voice above me. He couches down on the floor with me.

              "Do you need help with that?" A smooth, northern voice asks. I look up. His hair is a chochlety brown, styled in a messy fringe across his forehead. His eyes are captivating, I can see browns, greens, even some blue; his eyes are an amazing natural rainbow of color. My gaze shifts down to his smile, a row of white teeth stare back at me, a slant contributing to the overall quirkiness of his features. He's-

               "Are you going to stop staring at me, or am I going to have to clean this up all by myself?"  Shit. I can feel my cheeks blushing intensely and continue to mop up the mess on the floor along with his help. Finally, I stand up, still flushed, fingers playing with the strings coming off the sleeves of my jumper. I can feel him staring at me, eyes glancing over hanging clothes and protruding bones, seeing the dark circles under my eyes and the messy hair unkempt and disheveled. He's judging me. 

                 " You should probably take a photo, it'll last longer."  
                    

                  He's making fun of me. I need to go. I turn to leave but feel a hand gently rested on my shoulder.

 

                  "I-I'm fine." I choke out, the noise barely escaping my lips before I turn to go. I've only made it a few steps before crashing onto the floor. Except I don't. I all of a sudden feel arms around me as I start to fall. Not crashing down to the floor in fatal doom anymore, I look up to see a pair of twinkling eyes. His eyes. I guess mine are twinkling too, but in a different way. His show a kind of happiness and amusement. Mine are twinkling- more like glistening with tears. Our gazes lock and his expression of happiness fades. It turns into something else that I can't quite put my finger on. He's probably just judging me again. 

           "I-I have to go." I blurt out suddenly, emotion escaping through the sound of tears in my voice. I hear him try to say something, but I run out the door. I didn't hear what he said. Though, I didn't need to hear it to know what he wanted to say. He'd  probably call me a faggot or fairy or something and hurt me. He's probably just like the rest of them. I left my coffee. I don't need it I guess. I get to my building and trudge up the stairs to our- my apartment and unlock the door. 

          "Where the hell have you been?" Louise asks. I don't answer. I walk down the hall to my room and slam the door shut. Louise is banging on the wooden frame asking me to open it. I don't. She goes away after a while.

 

           I wish wouldn't have. I wish she would have opened the door, would have said something or held onto me as I cried. But she didn't. She left me alone. She probably thought it was best to leave me, best to give space or time. But she was wrong. Because now it's 4am and I've been standing staring in this mirror for hours. All I can see are my protruding hip bones, my visible ribs, the way my skin is pulled tight over my collarbones and how the circles under my eyes are getting darker and darker. I trace my fingers across the skin on my pale stomach, feeling the anger and sadness bubbling under my skin. I need to do something. I sit down in front of the mirror continue to stare. Its gonna be a long night.

 

           As the night goes on, I can still feel the emotions bubbling in my stomach. They've spread to my chest and through my arms and fingers. My hands twitch, they want to try and mask this pain but I can't do it. I can't bring myself to-to... nevermind. My hands continue to trace circles across my alabaster skin. Following the veins and arteries, feeling the blood pulsing. I just want Phil to come home. I just want him to come back. 

          My heart aches. All I can think about is the raven color of his hair and the way his eyes sparkle in the sunlight. The way his back muscles moved and how his smile just lit up his face. The emotion continues to pulse in my veins, and I need to find a release but all I can find is nothing. My fingernails scratch at my skin, my face contorting at the slight pain. It's almost as if  the pain underneath the surface of my skin seeps through the small scratch. My hands claw at the small scratch, wanting more of a release, more of a pain on the outside to compensate for the numbness I feel- that I've felt for months. I keep tearing at the scratches feeling my pain bubbling up to the surface, seeping out, dripping slowly. I sigh. The tears on my face are dry. I look down at my arm. The scratches are red and raised, some of them drawing blood, the red colour taking over my vision. It feels better. It hurts, but it's better. And that's something. 

         


	6. Broken Mirrors

After the... Daniel dream incident, I haven’t been feeling myself. I’ve been trying to keep it from PJ the best I can, but it’s difficult. I don’t want to worry him. I’ve been doing my best to try and stay calm, and not worry about Daniel too much, but it’s getting harder and harder every day. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t be... in love with him. There’s no way. We have known each other for so long, surely I would have known sooner. I don’t love him. I don't. I try not to think about Dan at all now. He has to be okay. He’s... strong, he can do this. I’m just trying to focus on myself now. Which is why I should probably be getting ready. I haven’t gone grocery shopping in about a week, and starving doesn’t sound particularly helpful right now. Quickly, I get dressed and throw on my coat. Getting outside, I shove the key in the door and lock it. Maybe I should call this place, home. I try it out but, it doesn’t feel right. That’s okay, I’m just getting used to living here, it’s fine.  
The nearest shop is about 5 minutes away, so the walk isn’t too bad. London’s usually chilly this time of year, so I pull the hood up on my jacket, and stuff my hands inside the pockets. The walk is quiet and uneventful. It leaves me thinking. Thinking is uncomfortable for me right now. Being stuck inside my own mind is almost as painful as having to speak. I don’t talk to many of my friends anymore. I think that’s what worries PJ most; me not talking. The last time that happened things got bad. Maybe that’s why PJ is worried. Though, truthfully I wouldn’t know. I finally come upon the store, its warmth surrounding me as I enter. I pick up a few things, bread, eggs, sugar, the essentials. I walk up to the counter and pay.  
“ £6.50 please.” I take out my wallet, pay and leave. Walking back home is a bit of a struggle, with the new addition of the bags, but I make it back okay. I head up the stairs, unlock the door, and set my bags on the breakfast bar. Memories flood back to me, as if the dam holding my thoughts back has only slightly cracked.

We are getting ready to make cookies in the Manchester house. I had just finished setting up the camera so we can film, our newest Christmas themed video. I’m looking over at Dan. He’s setting out all the ingredients, standing on his tiptoes and crouching on his knees to find the items. He turns to face me. His face is noticeably younger and rounder, dimples more prominent, hair definitely longer, he’s also considerably shorter, looking up to Phil as he walks over. His eyes sparkling, his mouth exploding into a grin.  
“You ready?” He asks.  
“Yeah. I am.” My mouth curves gently into a small smile. 

Again the memory is over. I’m zapped back into my kitchen. I try to take a few steps towards my bedroom, but my foot touches something sticky before I can make it very far. Damn. I look down at my feet. The egg carton had broken open ad well as the bag of sugar, spilling egg yolk and clumps of sugar everywhere, creating a chunky, slippery mess. Shoot. This is not a good time. Taking off my socks, I step into the safe section of the kitchen and grab a towel. I start wiping up the mess, watching the mixture swirl around the floor. Doing such a mindless task leaves me time to think. Time to think isn’t something I want right now. I don’t want to think about Dan, but it’s all I can think about. If I don’t think about him, I feel empty. But if I do, it just makes me feel confused and broken and... I don’t know. I’m almost done wiping up the mess, so I stand up and put the towel away. I head to my bedroom this time stepping in tears instead of groceries. 

I don’t remember much of the next few days. It’s almost as if I wasn’t there. They’re blurry and unclear. Like looking through an out of focus camera, except the camera isn’t recording. You’re looking through a lens that’s blurry even as you see it in real time. I don’t know... it’s confusing. I’m lost. He’s all I see, which is scary because I don’t know what to do. He’s everywhere I look, every face I see is his. Even when I look in the mirror, black hair shifts to brown, blue eyes melt into chocolate, I see him staring back at me. I left because I wanted distance. I didn’t want to see him everyday, in every face, have everything remind me of him, damn- it’s driving me crazy.  
I used to be able to compartmentalize, to put it aside for another time, but it’s consuming me. I don’t know what to do. I can’t go anywhere. Tumblr is always swarming with gifs of him, twitter is still blowing up with confused tweets about where he is, even Facebook is covered in Dan things. Maybe I should try YouTube. Dan never uploads anyway. I think. The first thing I do is check his channel. The latest video is from months ago. I start to browse through Louise’s channel, Felix, Zoe, Troye, and finally start to watch some of my old videos. After reliving Philipa, toxic, and Phil in the Club, I finally stop on another older video. I know it’s a bad idea, yet I click anyway.  
“Why do you always make cat whiskers on your face?” Dan says, looking over at me. I meow. We are both so young. My hair is extremely long, damn... and Dan’s face is so young. I still remember that day, so many years later. To keep from getting emotional I read through the old comments. Some of them read, PUNCH ME IN THE FACE, and, And now I ship them, and I wonder. Did they see something I missed? Could they tell that he... felt something for me and I just couldn’t see? Was I that blind? The final words stop me from going over the edge.  
“That was the most fun I’ve ever had.” I shut the laptop and storm to my room, slamming the door. Did I miss something? I hope not. Being alone had never felt so good.

It seems that I've lost track of time. This week has caught up to me, and it's already Wednesday, which means it's yet again grocery day. A week has already passed... damn. I tumble out of bed, throwing clothes on. I quickly check the mirror, realizing that I just out on different, dirty pyjamas, but at this point I’m too lazy to change it. My hair is a mess, with ginger roots showing out from underneath the black. I haven’t dyed it in months, and its starting to show. My face looks gaunt and dark purple shadows are starting to appear under my eyes. I stare until I start to get sick. Sick of myself, sick of feeling alone, sick of life without Dan. It’s just so strange going from everyday to not at all. Does he miss me as much as I miss him? Has he moved on yet? I’m stuck in this circle of missing him and it’s driving me crazy.  
I used to only get flashes of missing him. Chocolate would melt into brown eyes, and any happy face would slowly morph into his, but now, the memories are in full, and they are mostly happy. The happy look in his eyes that he sometimes showed after I may have eaten all his cereal. His laugh loud and sincere, the way his smile slowly expansion across his face dimples showing. But sometimes it’ll bring me back to bad memories. 2012, when he basically wanted nothing to do with me, his cold eyes tearing me apart with just a glance. When I left, tears streaming down his face, barely even able to look me in the eye. I feel so fucking bad about all of this. He said he loved me but... he doesn’t deserve to be treated this way.  
“I’m such a fucking idiot!” I scream, punching the mirrored glass in front of me. The noise of a hoarse voice and shattering glass fill the apartment. I crumple to the ground. The tears are running down my face now, pooling on the floor. The mirror is broken and the glass pieces are scattered across the floor. My hand is bleeding, my knuckles split, and there are several cuts on the back of my hand. But at this point, I don’t even care. I don’t understand why I can’t let him go. I can’t get him out of my head. It’s so fucking frustrating.  
I’m not supposed to be in love with him. He’s my best friend. I just, I don’t know. I’ve never felt this way before. Not even with a girl. He’s just... he’s important to me. All I can do is sit here and cry and miss him, but there’s nothing I can do. I’ve fucked it all up now. One silly mistake, and it’s game over. I can’t think of any way that I could possibly fix this. I had good intentions, leaving him, but now... I just don’t know. All I want to do is see him. But I can’t. So I’m going to the best that I can. I get up, avoiding the glass shards and drops of blood, and head back to bed. What the fuck did I do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY DUDEESSSSS! I've been having continuous mental breakdowns lol so I haven't been able to get to this yet, and I know that it's not an excuse but... im just really fucking sorry. Anyway, here you go, I hope you liked it. :) This will hopefully be updating every week from now on, and if I dont, scream at me pleaseee. ALSO I am working on another story, and the chapters are short and its a bit confusing at the start but it will all make sense, and that will be up shortly. THANK YOU SO MUCH, I love comments so please leave one, even if you hated it. Love you dudes, see ya next week.


	7. Hello Internet!

I wonder if Phil misses me. Does he think about me as much as I do about him? Is... is he as bad as I am? I doubt it. He left me, why would he be upset? He left me... I’m so stupid. I’m saying that like we were even together in the first place. Like he even cared from the beginning. How didn’t he notice? He was so oblivious, and I was so fucking obvious.

He never even gave a shit about me. How could I believe that he felt the same way? I waited so long for him. I kept hoping that maybe, he would realize that he felt the same way but... obviously that didn’t happen. And now... there’s coffee guy. I can’t stop thinking about him. The gentle smirk on his lips, almost laughing at me, but not quite. The warmth of his eyes, they made me feel... warm. But mostly, I think about Phil. Who has nothing and everything to do with coffee boy.

Every time I think about him... I just feel bad. Like I’m cheating on Phil... except we were never even close. No matter how hard I tried... I could never make it happen. He just didn’t like me in the same way. I’ve been thinking that I could never fall for anyone again but... that guy. He’s not getting out of my head. I can’t seem to figure this out. He’s confusing me. He’s a puzzle to me. Was he making fun of me? Or was he interested maybe? No. I shouldn’t be thinking about him.

I’ve decided that I’m filming a video today. Even though I haven’t put up a video in months, I have to get back on track somehow. My channel has never been consistent but, maybe I’ll try, it couldn’t hurt right? I should drag myself out of bed, but I’ve been laying here for half an hour now, and I still haven’t gotten up. I’ve just been tossing and turning trying to get either back to sleep or the courage to go and film. It’s just going to be so hard to reintroduce myself, what if everyone has lost faith in me? I haven’t been on the Internet in days, maybe even weeks. What are people saying about me? About Phil? What if I upload something and nobody wants to watch it? What if everyone hates me? This anxiety has been eating me up. 

I should just get this over with. But I can’t seem to get up. I’m sitting on the edge of the bed, my feet almost touching the floor, but I can’t seem to find the willpower to place them down. To walk, put on clothes, brush my teeth, even look in the mirror. I don’t... I don’t know if I can face myself after what I did the other night. I know that it wasn’t okay, and that it was wrong to do it but, it felt right. It felt deserved, but wrong. 

I look at my arm. The scratch is healing, now only a constellation of disconnected scabs. I run my fingers across it, feeling the bumps and ridges, in contrast with the smoothness of my skin. I almost... want to do it again. It’s almost like an itch, that I all of a sudden need to scratch. I feel the round, hard edges of my nails against the skin, pressing slightly as if I am waiting; almost as if I am apprehensive. I dig in harder. I am so close to feeling it, that release, to undo the tension. But I... I can’t do this right now. I need to stop. I can do this.

Getting up, I head to the bathroom, dragging my feet on the floor on the way. As soon as I turn to face myself in the mirror, I regret leaving my room. My face is gaunt, cheekbones popping out, skin slightly turned yellow. My face has taken on a sallow undertone, the dark circle under my eyes deep and purple. My hair has grown a little too much, curly fringe just covering my eyes. My eyes dart down to see the ribs peeking out from under my skin, the flesh pulled taut over my collar bones. Sharp hip bones jutting out from just about my pants. I look like shit.

And I knew I would, but it’s my eyes that freak me out. They look sick and tired. Maybe even a little crazed. They don’t gleam anymore, the shades of brown lifeless and dull. They haven’t looked the same since... I just wish he hadn’t left me, that maybe he would’ve heard me out before completely separating from me. I just... I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same. But I have to try. I-I have to. 

I brush my teeth and do my best to comb through my hair even though the curly mess hasn’t been dealt with in weeks, and I’m too lazy to straighten it for the “Dan Howell signature look”. Well, at least Tumblr will get a kick out of this. I brush my teeth and head back to my room to sort out the clothes situation.

I didn’t really realize how much weight I’ve lost until I tried to form an outfit that wasn’t pajamas. All previously known “skinny” jeans have turned into baggy pants that barely fit. Baggy sweatshirts even worse, hanging off me more than intended. Even my underwear barely fits. It's safe to say that I look like crap, and everyone will be able to tell when I step in front of that camera. But I have to do this. I need to show everyone that I can get along without him. Even if that’s a lie. 

“Hello, Internet! I know that it has been a long time, even for me, but I’m back again with the bad memes. Is that still a thing? God, I hope not. Anyway, I just wanted to make an update video to say that I’m still here, I haven’t died or anything.” _Yet. There’s still time._ “I know you guys probably have a fuck-ton of questions so, post them in the comments below, tweet me, ask on Tumblr, do something to get them to me, and I will answer them in my next video. I know this was short, but It’s all you’re getting for now so deal with it. Click down below to subscribe, and I will see at some point in the near future… I hope.”

I shut the camera off and immediately start worrying. What if it’s too short or too long? Do I look fucked up? Do I look like I miss him? Will they be able to tell? The tears start to stream down my cheeks. Maybe that’s enough for today. Or all week; maybe even all year. Time to go to bed. I feel like I could sleep for a month straight; Not like I haven’t been doing that for these past few months. It could be longer. I have no clue what day it is today. It feels like a Monday; But at this point, every day feels like a Monday. 

It’s all sort of… foggy. Like I’m living in a dream. Or maybe I’ve just forgotten. I can barely remember the last few days. Weeks? Months? I have no clue. Is Louise still out there? If she is, she hasn’t said anything since I went out last which was… I don’t know. It could have been years ago. This brings my thoughts back to that man. His soft twinkling eyes, that smirk. He was gorgeous. 

_Gorgeous and mocking you, you idiot. He doesn’t care about you. You don’t even know him. He probably thinks you were a fag. He probably doesn’t even think of you at all, except as the fucking loser you are._

“I-“ I try to say, but the voice interrupts me.

_You’ll never be good enough for him. He will never want you, and neither will Phil. Everyone just breaks your heart anyway. Maybe at this point you deserve it._

I sigh. “Maybe you’re right. I just fucking stupid for thinking that anything good could ever happen to me. I don’t deserve it.”

_Good job. You’re finally fucking getting it. I hate you, and so does everyone else. Get that through your thick fucking skull._

I smile slightly. The silence is calming. I run my fingers over the scabbed skin. I’ve done it more since the first time. It feels electric, almost as if I’m on fire. I like it. My body feels extremely hot; I’m sweating. My fingers feel freezing; like stuck them in a freezer for a while. It’s comforting. Which is probably strange, but it’s okay. I won’t go too far. 

_But you want to, don’t you?_

“Yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY IM SO SORRY IVE BEEN INTENSELY BUSY AND THEN EXAMS AND CONCERTS AND PROJECTS AND BLAH! I know it's not an excuse, but I'm so sorry that I haven't been posting much lately. I promise that throughout the summer there will be more shit happening and being posted and stuff so yeah. If this chapter seemed all over the place it's because it's supposed to feel that way. I wanted to make it as authentic as possible, so it's a little messy but so is Dan's head right now. It's a bit short, but I'm trying to make the chapters a bit longer. Anyway, If you have any thoughts or questions post them as a comment below, This will hopefully be updating sooner and more often than it has been, Thank you so much, everyone, for reading this and giving it kudos it means the world to me. Thank you, and I'll see ya around. (lol)


	8. For Everyone Who Enjoyed This Fic

I apologize. When I started writing this, I enjoyed it too. But I have no motivation to write it anymore. I was on writers block forever, and then I reread everything I previously wrote... I just can't continue this fic. Which is why I have decided to put this fic on a permanent hiatus. 

I love the story I have going, and where it was headed, but I cannot continue to write it like this. However, even having put this story on permanent hiatus, I will be rewriting and reworking the same storyline for a later work. I just made so many mistakes with this one that I can't fix all in one go. This work will stay up for those of you who enjoy this version, but it will not have an ending. I just am not proud of this story, and it could be so much better. 

Keep on the lookout for another story of the same-ish plot line by me, because it will be coming I just need some time. 

thank you.


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